Man Down:

A No-BS Survival Guide for the Days, Weeks and Months After a Devastating Loss

Some of you might know I’ve been working on a book targeted towards helping men understand and navigate grief.

The working title is Man Down: A No-BS Guide for Men on Grief, Growth and Getting Through Life’s Hardest Days. I’ve been publishing as I go here on Substack with the hope of helping people along the way.

If you’re interested, you can read it, and follow along here:

As is often is the case, it’s turned into a bigger project than I first imagined. I’ve also decided that I don’t love the title. Well, I love the title, but not for this book. I think I’m going to rename it Man Up and Heal. Words create worlds and I want to drive home that healing is possible - even when it feels impossible.

I’ll continue to plug away at it. The project is incredibly important to me and I know it will help men when they need it most.

On a semi-related note, for any leaders reading this, I’ve also created a guide that I know will help you support someone on your team who is grieving. You can find it for free (no-strings attached) here. So far the feedback has been wonderful.

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Now that the preamble is over, let me tell you what I will be doing in the coming weeks. I’m going to create a guide for men in the immediate aftermath of a devastating loss. I’m going to call it, Man Down: A No-BS Survival Guide for the Days, Weeks and Months After a Devastating Loss.

The North Star that will guide me as I write is to give a man in the immediate aftermath of devastating loss the one thing no one else is giving him: straight talk about what the hell is happening to him, why it feels like this, what to expect in the coming days, weeks and months, and what to do right now so that he stays standing and is not destroyed by his pain and the pain of everyone around him.

Let’s get started.

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Man Down: A No-BS Survival Guide for the Days, Weeks and Months After a Devastating Loss

Chapter 0: READ THIS FIRST

Welcome to Hell, brother. I hate that you’re here. And I know you’d sell your soul to be anywhere else.

In the days, weeks, and months ahead, you’ll find plenty of chances to do exactly that. Anything for a moment of escape.

The grim reality is that If you take them, you won’t escape. You’ll just sink deeper into the pit than you ever thought possible. And you’ll drag everyone you love down with you.

Don’t take that as me preaching at you. That’s the last thing I’ll ever do. It’s me telling you the truth from experience learned the hardest way possible.

So, before you say “fuck this”, close the tab and put your fist through a wall in agony…

If you’re reading this guide, I’m sorry.

Not in the “sorry for your loss” way people say when they don’t know what else to do with your pain. I mean it in the way one brother says to another when he knows there’s no fixing what’s been shattered into a million pieces.

You’re in the immediate aftermath of something that blew your life apart. Maybe your kid killed themselves, died from a devastating disease or was the victim of a terrible crime. Or maybe it was just a random accident with no one to blame.

Or it was your spouse or partner you imagined spending the rest of your life with. And now they’re gone and you’re left, on your knees, with no idea what’s a happening to you and clueless about what to do next.

It might have happened yesterday. Or last week. Or months ago. You’ve probably barely slept and when you do, you’re tortured by nightmares. If you’re anything like me, you’re trying to drink or drug them away. Maybe you’ve barely said a word because there are no words to that will bring them back.

Whatever brought you here, it’s the last place you want to be. But here you are. And that counts.

I want to be upfront about something. This guide won’t fix you. You need to understand that this isn’t fixable. It won’t offer healing, closure or any other of the buzzwords you’ll hear a million times in the coming days and months. That’s not what this is.

This is a field manual to help you find a way to stand back up, every time you take a knee or collapse in a heap when the burden is too much to bear. It’s to help you understand what’s happening to you, and what to expect when nothing makes any sense.

You’re going to read some things in here that feel too raw. They might sound like bullshit. And you might not be ready to believe them. They might piss you off, make you want to scream or curse my name. That’s OK, brother. I can take it.

You don’t need to agree with everything. You don’t even need to feel ready. I don’t know if anyone can ever be ready. You just need to keep turning the pages.

If you’re feeling like you want to break, disappear, or burn everything down, you’re not alone. You’re not crazy. You’re not weak. You’re in shock. You’re in agony. And no one trained you for this.

I’m writing this guide because most of the grief support wasn’t written for men like you. It’s written for people who have already slogged a few miles down the road - people who can feel, talk and catch their breath.

You? You’re not just bleeding. You’ve just looked down and realized you have a sucking chest wound, your heart is smashed on the floor and you’re bleeding out. You need something that’ll help you get through the next ten minutes.

You’re not here to get better. You’re here to survive this without destroying yourself and everyone you love who’s been left behind.

That’s what we’re going to try to do. One page at a time. One breath at a time. One “fuck this, but I’ll keep going anyway” at a time.

All you have to do is keep reading. And when you can’t take it any more? Come back when you can. This guide will still be here, waiting to help.

Let’s go, brother.

P.S. I’ve lost a wife and a daughter. I’ve been where you are. I understand your pain. I’ll include my story at the end if you want to read it. This guide isn’t about me. It’s about you.

I’m going to keep this short because you don’t have time to read a textbook when you can barely get out of bed. Here’s what to expect in this guide.

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Read More of This Guide

• Read This First
  Welcome to Grief. I’m sorry you’re here.

• What the Hell Is Happening to Me?
  Your system is short-circuiting because it’s trying to save you.

• What Grief Does to a Man’s Mind
  Why You’re Going Silent, Blowing Up, or Disappearing

• What to Expect in the Days, Weeks, and Months Ahead
  The Funeral Isn’t the Finish Line. It’s the Starting Gun.

• What to Do Right Now
  You can’t fix this. But you can survive it.

• The Mask Is a Lie You Tell Yourself to Feel in Control
  You don’t owe anyone a performance while your world is burning.

• When the Urge to Escape Takes Over
  You want to punch something. Or disappear. Or drink until you black out.

• What’s Going to Mess with Your Head
  How to see the lies that grief makes so easy to believe.

• Why You Don’t Have to Make Meaning Yet
  Meaning can come later. Getting through the day is enough.

• Final Word
  You're still here. That matters.