The knee jerk reaction to bright side someone's pain is hard to stop. But it makes such a difference. Thanks for writing this and putting your work out there.
Even just being the listening post...my aunt once asked me (I was 18) why I kept coming over when she would just dump on me. I didn't have an answer. But it clearly helped her to just have someone else to HEAR her troubles, whatever they were, with ZERO input. What experience did I have that related to her issues? Nothing, whatsoever. Certainly no "solutions". No "advice". Just an ear.
I think the hardest part of showing up for someone else's grief is (essentially) managing your own discomfort so that you can NOT jump into the silence to try and make them (you) feel better.
I totally agree Sky. In the program I just launched at the bottom of the article, I call that out as one reasons we invalidate people. It's very uncomfortable for us when we see someone we care about who's upset or hurting. I think most people don't realize that they're trying to alleviate their own discomfort.
The one person I have a very hard time with is my daughter when she's grieving the loss of her sister. It's so painful for me to watch her in pain. I never jump in and try to fix it for a few reasons: the first is that I know it's not the right thing to do. The second is that I've long since let go of the idea that I know what's best for someone else.
Still though, it's very, very hard.
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your perspective!
Thank you for sharing this. This is something I believe anyone who reads can benefit from.
A friend taught me a powerful lesson a couple years ago. She taught me the power of simply sitting with someone, in silence. Just sit and be with them. If they want to talk, they will. And if not, your presence tells them that they are not alone.
Jason, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I can only imagine how painful it's been to lose your wife and then your daughter.
I also want to thank you for writing this. I've struggled with mental health issues my whole life. Although I've gotten a handle on it, I do have times with a spiral of struggle. I've learned what gets me there and how to get out. I've also learned that my husband doesn't understand. He too, often says words that are invalidating, even if meant to be caring.
I've been in a state lately, and the cycle has repeated itself. I struggle to find a way to make him understand while also validating his well intentioned words. I can't manage myself and guide him how to help all at once. I'm going to send him this to see if it helps give a different perspective. Sometimes a different messenger helps. I've made it such a hobby to study psychology, psychotherapy, neuroscience, and the like but you've reminded me that it's not common knowledge outside of those spaces.
The program I launched at the bottom of the post is me distilling down everything I've learned on this subject. If he invested a few hours of his time he'd come out with a very different understanding of how to show up for you.
One of the ways I get guys to buy into the idea of emotional validation is to explain that being effective is better than being right.
Another way is to explain to them that if you want to give your partner advice, create the conditions where they are open to hearing it. Helping them feel seen, heard and safe will make them a hell of a lot more receptive to hearing your point of view. And always ask them, without any emotional attachment to how the respond, if they even want to hear your genius ideas :)
The knee jerk reaction to bright side someone's pain is hard to stop. But it makes such a difference. Thanks for writing this and putting your work out there.
I agree Allison. Thank you for reading and commenting..
Even just being the listening post...my aunt once asked me (I was 18) why I kept coming over when she would just dump on me. I didn't have an answer. But it clearly helped her to just have someone else to HEAR her troubles, whatever they were, with ZERO input. What experience did I have that related to her issues? Nothing, whatsoever. Certainly no "solutions". No "advice". Just an ear.
What a beautiful example of what so many of us need from the people who love us. Presence.
I think the hardest part of showing up for someone else's grief is (essentially) managing your own discomfort so that you can NOT jump into the silence to try and make them (you) feel better.
I totally agree Sky. In the program I just launched at the bottom of the article, I call that out as one reasons we invalidate people. It's very uncomfortable for us when we see someone we care about who's upset or hurting. I think most people don't realize that they're trying to alleviate their own discomfort.
The one person I have a very hard time with is my daughter when she's grieving the loss of her sister. It's so painful for me to watch her in pain. I never jump in and try to fix it for a few reasons: the first is that I know it's not the right thing to do. The second is that I've long since let go of the idea that I know what's best for someone else.
Still though, it's very, very hard.
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your perspective!
Great words. Thank you. I learned a lot from this and it will help me be better for others.
I'm so glad Chris.
Thank you for sharing this. This is something I believe anyone who reads can benefit from.
A friend taught me a powerful lesson a couple years ago. She taught me the power of simply sitting with someone, in silence. Just sit and be with them. If they want to talk, they will. And if not, your presence tells them that they are not alone.
Jason, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I can only imagine how painful it's been to lose your wife and then your daughter.
I also want to thank you for writing this. I've struggled with mental health issues my whole life. Although I've gotten a handle on it, I do have times with a spiral of struggle. I've learned what gets me there and how to get out. I've also learned that my husband doesn't understand. He too, often says words that are invalidating, even if meant to be caring.
I've been in a state lately, and the cycle has repeated itself. I struggle to find a way to make him understand while also validating his well intentioned words. I can't manage myself and guide him how to help all at once. I'm going to send him this to see if it helps give a different perspective. Sometimes a different messenger helps. I've made it such a hobby to study psychology, psychotherapy, neuroscience, and the like but you've reminded me that it's not common knowledge outside of those spaces.
I wish you peace and continued healing. 💕
Thank you so much.
The program I launched at the bottom of the post is me distilling down everything I've learned on this subject. If he invested a few hours of his time he'd come out with a very different understanding of how to show up for you.
One of the ways I get guys to buy into the idea of emotional validation is to explain that being effective is better than being right.
Another way is to explain to them that if you want to give your partner advice, create the conditions where they are open to hearing it. Helping them feel seen, heard and safe will make them a hell of a lot more receptive to hearing your point of view. And always ask them, without any emotional attachment to how the respond, if they even want to hear your genius ideas :)