How to Show Up for Someone Who’s Hurting - Without Making Things Worse

What I learned about saying the right thing (instead of making them feel more alone) and how you can too.

The Brutal Truth About Emotional Validation

I spent years making my wife’s suffering worse. And I had no idea.

I thought I was helping.
I thought I was the rational one.
I thought I was being strong.

Instead, I was pushing her further away. And I didn’t realize it until it was too late.

When Cindy was in the depths of her mental health struggles—rage, depression, emotional chaos—I was doing everything I could to “help” her.

Her emotions were extreme, her thinking distorted, and I had a mountain of evidence that she was wrong about so many things. So I did what any logical person would do—I tried to correct her thinking.

I thought if I could just make her see reason, we could start piecing together something resembling a normal life again.

I was desperate to fix her.

And it never worked.

No matter how logical I was, no matter how much I pointed to reality, it only made things worse. She felt more alone, more misunderstood, more broken. And I felt more exhausted, more frustrated, and more helpless.

For years, I thought I was doing the right thing—being the strong, steady, rational one.

Then, seven years after Cindy died, I sat in a training program on how to run peer support groups for families supporting loved ones with mental health struggles.

That’s where I learned about emotional validation.

And in one moment, it hit me like a punch to the gut:

I had spent years invalidating the woman I was desperately trying to help.

I saw, with brutal clarity, why all my attempts to “help” had backfired. Why she had pulled away from me. Why so many of our conversations ended in frustration, distance, and pain.

And I knew one more thing for certain:

No one I had ever met knew this skill either.

Since that day, emotional validation has become one of the most important skills in my life. I’ve taught it to thousands of people—husbands, fathers, business owners, leaders.

And over and over, they come back to me and say:

👉 “Oh my god. I was actually able to navigate a situation that normally blows up in my face.”
👉 “For the first time in my life, my wife opened up to me.”
👉 “My kid actually talked to me about something important instead of shutting me out.”

This is the most important relationship skill you were never taught—and once you learn it, it will change your life.

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A Crucial Disclaimer

I’m not saying that learning emotional validation would have saved Cindy’s life.

Suicide is complex. Mental illness is brutal. It’s impossible to say what might have changed things.

But here’s what I do know:

If I had understood this skill back then, she would have felt less alone.
She would have felt more understood.
She wouldn’t have had to fight so hard just to be heard.

And maybe, just maybe, that would have given her a little more peace in the time she had left.

If you love someone who’s struggling, you can’t control their pain, their choices, or their future.

But you can control how you show up.

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The Biggest Mistake People Make When Someone Is Grieving

Trying to make them feel better.

Sounds good in theory. But in practice? It often looks like this:

• “At least they lived a good life.”

• “Stay strong.”

• “I know exactly how you feel.”

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

If you’ve ever said one of these things, don’t beat yourself up—I’ve been guilty of it, too. But the truth is, these phrases don’t help.

They dismiss, minimize, and make the grieving person feel more alone.

What do grieving people actually need?

To feel seen. To feel heard. To feel understood.

Not fixed. Not cheered up. Just validated.

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A Quick Win: The One-Sentence Fix That Changes Everything

Most people overthink what to say in emotionally charged moments.

Here’s the simplest thing you can do right now that makes a massive difference:

When someone opens up to you, resist the urge to fix, compare, or cheer them up. Instead, say:

🔹 “That sounds really hard.” And then shut up and listen.

That’s it.

It may feel small, but it’s huge.

✔️ It tells them their feelings are legitimate.
✔️ It stops you from accidentally dismissing or minimizing their pain.
✔️ It keeps the conversation open instead of shutting it down.

For example:

• “I just feel so lost without them.”

  • 🔹 Response: “That sounds really hard.” And then shut up and listen.

• “I don’t even know how I’m supposed to function right now.”

  • 🔹 Response: “That sounds really hard.” And then shut up and listen.

• “I feel like I should be doing better, but I’m just stuck.”

  • 🔹 Response: “That sounds really hard.” And then shut up and listen.

It’s stupidly simple—but it works.

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If you’re like most of us, and have struggled with what to say (or not say) when someone’s going through something hard, I put together something for you: "What Not to Say: 10 Mistakes that Make Grief and Hard Emotions Worse."

It’s a free, short, straight-to-the-point guide on the things people say that do more harm than good—and what to do instead.