Dearest Jason - I just about held my breath most of the time while reading your post about Cindy and Chloe. Please know that I am holding space and grace for you to continue to let go and grieve. Your writing is hopefully healing to you, and I know it is healing to others. I can feel it. Sending you love and healing light. I pray for you, Cindy, Chloe, Tanja, and Mel constantly - with love - jackie
Wow, that hits so hard. My deputy friend Stephen calling to ask where Joshua was. Tracking his cell phone not moving in an odd location. Stephen driving to our front porch and just saying I am sorry. Calling the 3 kids in Uganda to tell them. Waiting for everyone else to wake up before telling them. Then people showing up at the house. Then 2.5 years later the sheriff calling me to go with him to tell Becky that Stephen had been murdered.
Jason, I am finding your page in a delayed manner. I have followed your TikTok for some time, and admire your dedication to remembering, preserving, and advocating for those, especially men, to release their feelings and emotions. The work you do is phenomenal, and you are taking this world to better places. Sending you love and strength as you go through each day. Becky
When Jesse (25) took his last breath in the ICU and the nurse said, “sorry for your loss” I also felt tazed, I couldn’t move, I was shaking and cried more than I did at my fathers funeral. My daughter (18) was also bedside and it was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen: crying, shaking, and throwing up... my daughter was devastated to lose her big brother. Thank you Jason for continuing to shed light on the thoughts and feelings, we’re only on day 5, but I am always in a better mindset after reading your work. Love you brother.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us brother. I'm looking forward to talking in a few days. These types of experiences have a beautifully tragic way of bonding people together.
I know that pain. June 15th, 2021. Walked out on my front porch , on my way to do a task, when I noticed a local police officer walking towards my door. At first my mind went to my husband, since he had left a few hours earlier to go fishing with our brother in law, who had just lost his wife, my sister , who had died in early April. When the words of do you know " Charles " came out, at first I went , what did he do now. Then the words, I refused to hear came next. My son was found deceased, 60 miles away, dead in a hotel room. He had ended his life. I know I fell to my knees, wailing. My baby, my first born. So much talent and torment. For the next 2 years, I didn't know how to deal with myself. I had always dealt with my own demons of mental illness and childhood trauma, but losing a child is physically debilitating.
And then 2 years and 2 weeks exactly, I get a call from the police where my youngest son lived. Again , I was home alone to take the brunt of the news. My baby, my last born, dead at 23, just weeks away from 24. Again , suicide. No answers. No notes. No idea the pain he had been in. He always seemed fine. When he dropped out of college, we thought, he's young, he'll find a way. We didn't worry. He was smart, he worked, paid his own way. No addictions were present ( we were wrong) .
I'm a mess. Therapy has helped little. I have immense guilt. I have huge regrets. I am lost. My relationships with my other kids are strained. They have their own grief to deal with and I don't expect them to fix me but I can't lose anyone else. I'm living on a razors edge and don't know when the next cut will happen, and live in constant fear now.
Oy my god Kim. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine the nightmare of losing two of your beautiful children to suicide.
One of the things that sharing my story has shown me is how many ways there are for human beings to experience tragedy. The stories I’ve heard from people almost make me feel lucky is some morbidly perverse way.
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your family's heartbreaking story. I'm curious how you see them being linked - no pressure if you don't want to talk about it obviously.
Chloe died driving impaired. It was horrific and almost killed four other people. Her mom's suicide shattered her precious soul and she was never able to heal. By the time she died, her mental health issues had made her young life completely unmanageable.
This is heartbreaking. I found myself holding my breath several times. Thank you for sharing such a personal and vulnerable experience with us.
That you for reading and adding your voice to the conversation, friend ♥️
Dearest Jason - I just about held my breath most of the time while reading your post about Cindy and Chloe. Please know that I am holding space and grace for you to continue to let go and grieve. Your writing is hopefully healing to you, and I know it is healing to others. I can feel it. Sending you love and healing light. I pray for you, Cindy, Chloe, Tanja, and Mel constantly - with love - jackie
Thank you so much for reading and commenting Jackie. Your words and the sentiment behind them always add light to my days.
Wow, that hits so hard. My deputy friend Stephen calling to ask where Joshua was. Tracking his cell phone not moving in an odd location. Stephen driving to our front porch and just saying I am sorry. Calling the 3 kids in Uganda to tell them. Waiting for everyone else to wake up before telling them. Then people showing up at the house. Then 2.5 years later the sheriff calling me to go with him to tell Becky that Stephen had been murdered.
Oh my god brother. That sounds like a nightmare. I'm assuming Joshua is your son?
Yes, 19 at the time
Jason, I am finding your page in a delayed manner. I have followed your TikTok for some time, and admire your dedication to remembering, preserving, and advocating for those, especially men, to release their feelings and emotions. The work you do is phenomenal, and you are taking this world to better places. Sending you love and strength as you go through each day. Becky
Thank you so much. I apologize for taking so long to respond. I just saw your comment for some reason! ♥️
When Jesse (25) took his last breath in the ICU and the nurse said, “sorry for your loss” I also felt tazed, I couldn’t move, I was shaking and cried more than I did at my fathers funeral. My daughter (18) was also bedside and it was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen: crying, shaking, and throwing up... my daughter was devastated to lose her big brother. Thank you Jason for continuing to shed light on the thoughts and feelings, we’re only on day 5, but I am always in a better mindset after reading your work. Love you brother.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us brother. I'm looking forward to talking in a few days. These types of experiences have a beautifully tragic way of bonding people together.
I know that pain. June 15th, 2021. Walked out on my front porch , on my way to do a task, when I noticed a local police officer walking towards my door. At first my mind went to my husband, since he had left a few hours earlier to go fishing with our brother in law, who had just lost his wife, my sister , who had died in early April. When the words of do you know " Charles " came out, at first I went , what did he do now. Then the words, I refused to hear came next. My son was found deceased, 60 miles away, dead in a hotel room. He had ended his life. I know I fell to my knees, wailing. My baby, my first born. So much talent and torment. For the next 2 years, I didn't know how to deal with myself. I had always dealt with my own demons of mental illness and childhood trauma, but losing a child is physically debilitating.
And then 2 years and 2 weeks exactly, I get a call from the police where my youngest son lived. Again , I was home alone to take the brunt of the news. My baby, my last born, dead at 23, just weeks away from 24. Again , suicide. No answers. No notes. No idea the pain he had been in. He always seemed fine. When he dropped out of college, we thought, he's young, he'll find a way. We didn't worry. He was smart, he worked, paid his own way. No addictions were present ( we were wrong) .
I'm a mess. Therapy has helped little. I have immense guilt. I have huge regrets. I am lost. My relationships with my other kids are strained. They have their own grief to deal with and I don't expect them to fix me but I can't lose anyone else. I'm living on a razors edge and don't know when the next cut will happen, and live in constant fear now.
Oy my god Kim. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine the nightmare of losing two of your beautiful children to suicide.
One of the things that sharing my story has shown me is how many ways there are for human beings to experience tragedy. The stories I’ve heard from people almost make me feel lucky is some morbidly perverse way.
I wish you peace and healing, friend ♥️♥️
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your family's heartbreaking story. I'm curious how you see them being linked - no pressure if you don't want to talk about it obviously.
Chloe died driving impaired. It was horrific and almost killed four other people. Her mom's suicide shattered her precious soul and she was never able to heal. By the time she died, her mental health issues had made her young life completely unmanageable.