The Most Powerful Phrase in Difficult Conversations

How One Simple Phrase Can Untangle Misunderstandings in Conflict, Grief, and Everyday Life

The older I get, the more I understand that almost every problem between humans is related to being unable to communicate effectively.

Most communication problems aren't caused by what’s actually happening. They’re caused by the story we tell ourselves about what’s happening. These stories feel true to us, and we act like they are.

When we confuse our thoughts with reality, conversations that could have brought us closer end up driving us apart.

We get defensive. We argue over things that aren’t even true. We try to solve the wrong problems, or even find problems where none exist.

There’s a simple phrase that can make all the difference:

“The story I'm telling myself is…”

It reminds you that you’re making up a story. It tells the other person that you’re sharing your perspective—and open to considering another.

Reflect on the difference between these two approaches:

“You never listen to me!”
vs.
“The story I’m telling myself is that you’re distracted and this isn’t the best time for you to talk.”

It’s one of the most powerful ways to address an issue without blaming, assuming, or escalating.

Most Conflicts Aren’t About What Was Said

They’re about what we think it meant. In grief, things can get even messier.

Grief doesn’t just break your heart. It warps your reality. It fills in silence with stories. And most of them aren’t kind.

“They haven’t checked in… they must not care.”
“I should be further along… everyone’s tired of my grief.”
“They changed the subject… they don’t want to hear about her.”

We tell ourselves these stories because our brains hate uncertainty. Especially when we’re in pain.

Why We Tell Ourselves the Worst Stories

It’s not because we’re dramatic. It’s because we’re human.

The human brain doesn’t like blanks. It doesn’t like half-finished pictures, unanswered texts, or ambiguous glances. It craves closure, even if the version it invents is inaccurate or painful.

So when something goes wrong, or we don’t understand someone’s silence, tone, or behaviour, our brain fills in the gaps. It’s called Sense Making and it’s something I learned from Gervase Bush.

And thanks to something called the negativity bias, it often fills them with the worst-case scenario. We have a negativity bias because, evolutionarily, it helped us survive. Our brains are wired to detect threats quickly and prioritize negative information to avoid danger.

While that was useful in the wild, it now causes us to assume the worst in ambiguous situations, especially during stress or grief. This instinct makes us more likely to misinterpret silence, tone, or behavior as rejection or threat, even when it isn’t.

We tell ourselves stories like:

“They don’t care about me.”
“I’m too much.”
“They’re pulling away because I’ve messed something up.”

These stories are usually unspoken. But they still drive our behavior.

That’s why the phrase “The story I’m telling myself…” is so powerful.
It helps us pause, name the narrative, and open the door for something truer, and more connecting, to emerge.

Why This Phrase Works

• It separates thought from reality

• It reduces blame and invites dialogue

• It creates psychological safety

• It makes space for connection, even in hard moments

It gives us the freedom to be intentional about one of the most important gifts that’s inherent in our humanity; the ability to choose how we look at things.

When you convince yourself the story you’re telling yourself is a fact, there’s no room for another interpretation. When you remind yourself that it is a story, you open the door to telling yourself another one.

Think about it this way: if you’re going to make up a story about someone else’s motivations and intentions, why not make up one where they’re good? That one choice can transform your relationships.

In conflict, it helps us stay open. In grief, it helps us stay connected. In both, it helps us live from connection, not protection.

Real-Life Examples

In conflict:

“The story I’m telling myself is that you’re not interested in my opinion because you interrupted before I was finished talking.”

In grief:

“The story I’m telling myself is that you find it really hard when I talk about my daughter and would rather I didn’t.

These versions soften the edge of a hard feeling. They allow us to bring it into the open without blaming or bottling it up.

How to Practice It

1. Notice your inner story
   Ask yourself: What’s the story I’m telling myself right now?

2. Write it down or say it aloud
   This creates distance between you and the thought.

3. Try sharing it—especially when there’s:

   • Conflict

   • Misunderstanding

   • Silence or emotional disconnection

   • A moment of grief that needs witnessing

This isn’t about being polite. It’s about being real in a way that keeps you connected to yourself and others.

I’ve created a completely free, no-strings attached interactive coach to help you practice having difficult conversations in a way that strengthens relationships. I think it’s one of the most important communication skills no one is ever taught.

Final Thought

The stories we tell ourselves shape how we show up in the world. The power to choose our stories is a gift that’s been bestowed on us that no one can take away.

When you bring things up with people in this way you’ll often be surprised.

The person does care.
They weren’t thinking what you feared.
You’re not as alone as you thought.

P.S

My incredible wife Tanja writes about grief and life here. I’m very biased, but I think she’s an incredible writer and well worth checking out.