The 10 Things You Say That Hurt More Than They Help

How to truly support someone without making them feel worse

Picture this: Someone you love is grieving. You want to help, so you say, “Stay strong. They’d want you to be happy.”

But instead of comforting them, you watch their face tighten. Their eyes glaze over. They nod politely, but something shifts.

Somehow, you’ve achieved the impossible. You’ve made them feel even more alone.

You meant well. But you made it worse.

I know this because I spent most of my life getting it wrong—and not even realizing it.

I gave advice no one asked for. I minimized people’s feelings. I tried to correct their thinking. I showed them a “better” way to look at things. I got frustrated with their irrational emotions and made sure to tell them. And when all else failed, I avoided them.

I did it to my wife. My kids. My friends. My co-workers. I did it to anyone who made the mistake of opening up to me.

And when they shut down or got defensive, I told myself that was their problem, not mine. Eventually, no surprise, people stopped opening up to me altogether. And honestly, I was fine with that. I was tired of dealing with all the drama.

It never crossed my mind that I was the problem. And even if it had, I wouldn’t have known what to do instead. I had no idea I was missing a relationship-changing skill:

How to validate someone’s emotions.

Most people don’t know how to do this. It’s not their fault. But once you learn it, you’ll never see grief, struggle, or even everyday conversations the same way again.

And you’ll stop making these 10 common mistakes.

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10 Things You Think Are Helping (That Actually Make It Worse)

1. Turning Their Pain Into a Problem to Solve

Mistake:

• "You need to focus on the good times."

• "You have to stay strong for your kids."

What This Actually Does:
You think you’re helping, but you’re making them feel like their grief is something to fix instead of something to feel.

2. Trying to Control How They Grieve

Mistake:

• "I know they’d want you to be happy."

• "Crying won’t bring them back."

What This Actually Does:
You’re telling them how they should feel instead of letting them grieve in their own way.

3. Comparing Their Pain to Yours

Mistake:

• "I know exactly how you feel. When my dad died, I just kept busy, and it helped."

• "I lost my grandma last year, so I completely understand what you’re going through."

What This Actually Does:
Even if you’ve been through something similar, their pain is theirs. Comparing minimizes their experience and shifts the focus onto you.

4. Rushing Them to Move On

Mistake:

• "It’s been months—aren’t you over this yet?"

• "You need to start moving forward."

What This Actually Does:
Grief has no timeline. Pushing them to “move on” makes them feel like they’re doing it wrong.

5. Trying to Find the Silver Lining

Mistake:

• "At least they lived a good life."

• "You’re going to come out of this so much stronger."

What This Actually Does:
Even if true, this dismisses their pain and makes them feel like they should be okay when they’re not.

6. Avoiding the Conversation

Mistake:

• "I figured you’d want space, so I didn’t reach out."

• "I didn’t want to bring it up and upset you."

What This Actually Does:
You think you’re protecting them, but avoiding them makes them feel abandoned when they need support the most.

7. Making It About Your Discomfort

Mistake:

• "I hate seeing you like this—it’s really hard for me."

• "I just don’t know what to say to make you feel better."

What This Actually Does:
You’re shifting the focus onto yourself, making them feel like their grief is a burden.

8. Making Yourself the Victim

Mistake:

• "I try so hard to help you, but nothing I do is enough."

• "I just don’t feel like the same person since this happened to you."

What This Actually Does:
Now, instead of grieving, they feel guilty for making you upset.

9. Trying to Cheer Them Up Too Soon

Mistake:

• "Come on, let’s go do something fun and take your mind off it."

• "You need to get out and enjoy life again."

What This Actually Does:
They don’t need distraction. They need acknowledgment.

10. Deciding What They Need Instead of Asking

Mistake:

• "Let’s get you out of the house—you need a distraction."

• "I think talking about it will help you."

What This Actually Does:
Instead of letting them decide what they need, you’re making that decision for them—when they already feel like their world is out of control.

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Maybe You’re Realizing You’ve Made These Mistakes.

Maybe you’re remembering times you watched someone’s face fall, their shoulders tense, their words cut short.

It’s not your fault. No one teaches us how to handle raw emotion.

But the good news? You don’t have to keep getting it wrong.

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The LEAD Model: The Missing Skill Most People Never Learn

When someone is grieving, upset, or emotionally overwhelmed, most people freeze up.

• They’re afraid of saying the wrong thing.

• The other person’s emotions feel overwhelming.

• They don’t know how to show up in a way that actually helps.

That’s why I created the LEAD Model—a simple, easy-to-remember framework to help you stay present, grounded, and effective when emotions run high.

This isn’t a theory. It’s a real-world tool you can use in the moment.

I’ve taught it to thousands of people from all walks of life and the results have been life-changing.

And over and over, they come back to me and say:

👉 “Oh my god. I was actually able to navigate a situation that normally blows up in my face.”
👉 “For the first time in my life, my wife opened up to me.”
👉 “My kid actually talked to me about something important instead of shutting me out.”

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The LEAD Model: How to Respond When Someone is Upset

L – Label the Emotion
Instead of dismissing or minimizing, put words to what they’re feeling.

• “It sounds like this is really overwhelming.”

• “That must really suck”

• “It seems like you’re carrying a lot right now.”

E – Explore Their Experience
Stay curious and help them open up without - interrogating them.

• Ask open-ended questions: “What’s been the hardest part for you?”

• Use mirroring: “Overwhelming?”

• Reflect what they’re saying: “It sounds like this has been weighing on you.”

A – Acknowledge Their Experience
Let them know their emotions make sense.

• “Anyone in your shoes would feel this way.”

• “That’s completely understandable.”

D – Decide What to Do Next
Once you’ve listened, what’s the next step?

• Do nothing—just be there. (most of the time, this is the best move)

• Offer help: “Is there anything I can do for you right now?”

• Ask if they want input: “Would it help if I shared a thought, or do you just need to vent?”

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Most people don’t see their own blind spots when it comes to grief—their own or someone else’s. They don’t realize how often they invalidate emotions, even with the best intentions.

If you’ve ever struggled with what to say (or not say) when someone’s going through something hard, I put together something for you: "What Not to Say: 10 Mistakes that Make Grief and Hard Emotions Worse."

It’s a free, short, straight-to-the-point guide on the things people say that do more harm than good—and what to do instead.