Grief Tools for Men #4: The Questions That Help (When Nothing Else Does)
When you or someone you love is grieving, the right question can be a lifeline.
Grief isn’t something you get through alone—it’s something you carry, together.
And yet, for most men, when they’re grieving, they feel completely lost on how to support the people they love who are grieving too.
They’re barely holding it together themselves—so how the hell are they supposed to be strong for someone else?
But here’s the truth: You don’t have to fix their grief. You just have to make sure they don’t feel alone in it.
Why This Matters
Grief doesn’t just take the person you lost—it takes everything else with it.
It doesn’t just steal their presence. It steals your ability to focus. Your patience. Your energy to deal with people. It takes your laughter. Your ability to be fully present. It takes the connection you have with the people still here because you don’t know how to talk about it, and neither do they.
And when two grieving people stop talking, their relationship starts to fall apart in front of their eyes.
But that’s not the only reason this matters.
At first, people check in. They say, “I’m here for you.” They bring meals. They sit with you.
Then, they go back to their lives.
You’re still standing in the wreckage, but the world has moved on.
They stop bringing it up.
They assume you don’t want to talk about it anymore.
They convince themselves they’re "giving you space"—when really, it just feels like abandonment.
So they stop bringing it up. And you stop bringing it up. And suddenly, the person you lost isn’t just gone—they feel erased.
The Three Biggest Mistakes Men Make
1. Thinking You Have to Fix It
You don’t need the perfect words. You just need to show up.
Be honest—are you avoiding the conversation because you don’t know how to make it better?
You tell yourself you're giving them space, but is that the real reason? Or is it because sitting in their pain makes you uncomfortable?
They don’t need solutions. They need to know they’re not alone.
2. Staying Silent Because You Don’t Know What to Say
Silence doesn’t protect them—it isolates them.
You tell yourself they’ll talk when they’re ready. But grief makes people retreat, not reach out. When no one asks, it reinforces the fear that no one really wants to hear about it. Eventually, it just gets buried.
The most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge what they’re going through.
3. Waiting for Them to Bring It Up
By the time they do, they’ve probably been holding it in for months.
People assume if someone wants to talk, they’ll say something. But grief makes people hesitate—they don’t want to be a burden, they don’t want to make you uncomfortable, and they don’t know if you actually care.
Don’t wait. Ask.
What to Do Instead: Ask the Right Questions, The Right Way
Most men want to support the people they love through grief, but they don’t know how. So they say nothing.
You don’t have to have the right words—you just have to ask the right questions.
Opening the Door Without Pushing It Open
“How do you feel about talking about them today?”
“What kind of stories about them feel meaningful to share right now?”
Keeping It Conversational
“What’s something that’s happened recently that made you think of them?”
“When do you hear their voice in your head? What are they usually saying?”
“What’s a memory of them that still makes you laugh?”
Letting Them Feel Without Pressure
“How are other people’s expectations of your grief affecting you?”
“In what ways has your grief surprised you?”
“When have you noticed even a brief moment where the weight of this felt different?”
“What’s something you’re carrying that you wish you didn’t have to carry alone?”
“What’s something you’ve been holding back from saying but feel like you need to?”
Making Space for the Hard Parts
“How would you describe today in your own words?”
“What kinds of moments make you feel like you need more space from others?”
“What’s been frustrating you the most about how people react to your grief?”
“What’s been the most exhausting part of all this?”
“How do you feel when people try to tell you how you ‘should’ be grieving?”
Helping Them Feel Less Alone
“What’s something people say with good intentions that doesn’t sit right with you?”
“If someone else were feeling exactly what you are right now, what would you want them to hear?”
“What kinds of things—TV, music, even small distractions—have helped you take a break from all this?”
“Who has been there for you in a way that’s really mattered?”
“How do you handle the pressure to act ‘okay’ around others?”
Offering Real Support
"What do you need?" sounds like the right thing to ask. But for someone deep in grief, it can feel like just another burden.
They barely have the strength to carry what they’re already carrying. Now they have to figure out what other people should do for them, too? It’s exhausting. So they say, “I don’t know,” or “I’m fine,” and nothing changes.
Instead of asking them to manage their own support, these questions help you discover what they need—while also helping them feel seen and heard:
"What’s been making it harder to take care of yourself—things like eating, sleeping, or even just having a moment to breathe?"
"What’s something that’s felt unexpectedly difficult lately?"
"What’s a small way someone has shown up for you that actually helped?"
"If I just sat with you for a bit—no talking, no pressure—would that feel good or frustrating?"
"What’s something you wish people understood about what you’re going through?"
These questions remove the weight of decision-making and replace it with simple, human connection.
Because real support isn’t about making someone tell you what to do. It’s about showing up in a way that makes them feel less alone.
How to Keep the Conversation Going
Questions are powerful. They open doors. They show you care.
But if you ask too many, it can stop feeling like support and start feeling like an interrogation. Instead of helping someone open up, you might accidentally make them shut down.
That’s where mirroring and reflective statements come in.
Mirroring is simply repeating back a key word or phrase they just said with a slight upward inflection, signaling you want to hear more.
Reflective statements take what they’ve said and reframe it in your own words, helping them feel truly understood.
These two skills keep the conversation flowing while letting them stay in control.
When used right, they turn a short, surface-level conversation into one where real emotions come out.
I go deeper into how to use both in my Emotional Validation Masterclass.
Because people don’t need you to pull them out of grief—they just need to know they’re not in it alone.
Why These Questions Work—For Others and For Yourself
These questions aren’t just for the people you love—they’re for you, too.
Grief is heavy, and it doesn’t always make sense. When you take the time to ask yourself these same questions, you give your mind space to process what your heart is holding. Journaling, thinking through your answers, or saying them out loud can help you move through what feels stuck.
Because sometimes, the first person who needs to acknowledge your grief is you.
Final Thought: This Is Your Moment to Step Up
You have two options right now.
Be the guy who means well but stays silent. Or be the guy who steps up and does something.
You think you’ll have time later? You won’t. Time keeps moving. The people you love keep hurting.
Pick a question. Ask it today. Because the worst thing you can do isn’t saying the wrong thing—it’s standing there, watching someone you love suffer, and choosing silence.
Great advice
This is amazing